the fever, the focus

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 20:47:35 GMT

loch raven.

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:17:36 GMT

Hazey Jane II

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:32:03 GMT

space cadet.

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 00:24:18 GMT

wow.

get used to the room.

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:54:00 GMT

word vomit:

i wish this place had doorbells.
i miss ashleigh more than most could ever comprehend.
i was on the verge of cutting my hair this morning.
not for absurd reasons though.
i desperately need a scanner/printer.
for my health, i can never not be friends with trevor. (double negative, ha)
i can't take my phone off of a solid surface without it turning off.
i need to practice the 'less bitch' attitude.
my mom still doesn't know i have my nose pierced.
radiohead is up for album of the year, i hope they get it.
i keep adding to this.

tags: i, hate, writing, stupid, papers

you and me could be forever.

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:25:16 GMT

so much is speeding through my mind. past present future. i have gotten three hours of sleep in the past three days. i have drank five pots of coffee in the past 48 hours. i literally thought i was losing the mind that i have left last night. week of finals? so cliche. the past two days have been such a constant rush of clutter. i finished eight prints today and handed them to karen antonelli. i didn't lean as much from her as what i had wanted, but i was more than happy to place my finished project into her hands. i worked fairly hard. as the quarters go by, i want to push myself farther. i think everyone's plan is to do that, i really want to stick with it though. after class i worked on some of my 4x5. it went over far better than i could have ever imagined. i wouldn't make a single correction on my muffin print. excitement. as for mala news: aly and i went to housing and really stuck it to the man. it turns out, talking really can make a difference. even though i wouldn't really call what i did talking. temper. communication honestly makes up 100% of life. at least that is what i'm beginning to realize. i've always liked to consider myself the kind of person that could stick up for my thoughts, but sometimes i just get so cluttered. i'm eighteen now, and my mom isn't here to talk for me anymore. the truth is, she really won't be there to do such ever again. it's sad, but wonderful all at once. independence. so basically, we stuck it to them so hard that we will be getting a call tomorrow telling us her location, and (fingers crossed) we will be able to pick her up tomorrow at some point. accomplished. more fortunate newsssssssss trevor got accepted to point park. a wave of relief came over me, and my heart felt like it was going to pound through my chest. only a few more months until he's bear hug distance away. i can't help but to wonder as what everyone else in my life will be up to at that point. as for myself, i hope to be kicking ass in school, and making enough money to not be living in this lying establishment that housing likes to call a dorm anymore. i would be more than happy to live in a huge house with everyone i love, forever. growth.

tags: end of a book, apartment search, christmas break, screaming, i desperately need new boots, prune feet, trevor trevor trevor trevor trevor, repeat, i'll probably delete this in depth entry, ha, i don't even know how my eyes are still open, date night with the main squeeze :)

ps, i said all this to trevor, so maybe it's about time i believe it:

i used to believe most of these things, but then i began realizing that life is what you make it. even though some of us at only 17 and 18 don't think that we have a lot of control over what happens in life, i believe we do. i used to be so afraid of so many things, and believe me, i'm not saying that i'm fearless now... but what i am trying to say is become enthralled with your own life, and even the lives of others. if you don't enjoy what you are currently doing, don't do it. life is far too short to waste time on people/situations/feelings that don't 100% matter to you. if you don't want things to change, work at it, and don't let them change. sure people change, but i've learned that most change is for the better. change allows you to see things from a different perspective. please work at doing things for the better, and remember that, well at least i believe, that everything happens for a reason.

today's the day it gets tired.

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 03:06:27 GMT

mala is gone, :(

tags: pressing charges, cat food, eight prints, drained drained drained, i want to not live here, our baby

i need the smell of summer.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:29:02 GMT

i feel like distancing myself from everything. just evaporating.

i sat alone and waited out the night.

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 02:14:40 GMT

the more and more i think about it, trevor was right. nothing is ever the textbook definition of perfect. i do still believe that everyone builds up to their own variation of perfection though.

creation.

my profession would be staring.

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 22:06:22 GMT

focus is what i need.
spontaneity is what i want.

film in her eyes from the glow.

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 15:25:38 GMT

last night i finally got high enough that i felt incapable of driving, but i drove anyways.

here's everything that i can remember thinking about:

emma came into jon's basement, and i remember feeling so elated to see her in my mind, but i didn't really follow up with it.

we were listening to kimya dawson and her constant singing about poo and pee made my brain want to explode with laughter.

speaking of brains exploding.... i just felt like it was all night. i got into my car to drive home, and listened to wiz. my ears felt like they were melting into a puddle in my lap over the sounds. i could even feel the vibration from my car's bass on my gas pedal.

justin was quiet, like he always is when he is really high, but i kept looking over at him and thinking that something was wrong with him.

actually driving blew my mind like it never has before. i usually love to drive with my head in the clouds, but last night i felt so bewildered as i drove home. to explain it in simple terms: in my mind i felt like i was going so slow, and as i looked at my mph, i was. but my body felt like i was going ridiculously fast. i felt sick, really sick.

i hate when you're driving on 19, and you're in the slow lane, and the person in the fast lane is going right about the same speed that you are... so then you're technically driving side by side. that makes me crazy nervous when i'm driving sober, let alone last night. i thought i was going to lose it, or have to pull over. i just reduced my speed and he finally picked up the pace and then passed me. nuts.

i told justin that lolcats was the greatest invention.

basically my head and ears just exploded all over everywhere by the time i came down from my high.

btw,

today's the twenty seventh.

just pretend that you want me.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 06:06:57 GMT

i want love, but i feel like i do nothing but push it away.

i wish i understood myself.

i know i'm late, i know you waited.

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 00:52:48 GMT

the colder it gets, the more i cling to music for comfort.

i know that you can always see me.

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:12:30 GMT

to those who yearn for warmth in their hearts:

i hope things are headed in the right direction.

the wrong words will strand you.

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:28:49 GMT

i hate the way that the mind just allows thoughts to slip in and out so easily. it makes happy and sad as easily achieved as hot and cold.

i'd do it to you, like you do it to me.

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 21:42:22 GMT

i'm trying so hard to hold back, and i'm not sure how much longer i can go on doing this. i know that i need you, even if you don't need me... or are too stubborn to admit to it.

it's times like these when i realize how alike we are, and how unfortunate it is all at the same time.

you won't know.

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 20:13:29 GMT

i feel like a puddle.

i hope there's ice on all the roads.

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 03:24:00 GMT

trevor.

we all got wood and nails.

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 22:12:12 GMT

every time i get the urge to eat, i need to lay my head on a pillow and just sleep.

this is war.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 05:35:46 GMT

i can't decide if i want to be near or far, because i certainly can't find the middle.

call me a safe bet, i'm betting i'm not.

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:16:17 GMT

Claustrophobia (from Greek κλειστο, closed) is the fear of enclosed spaces. It is typically classified as an anxiety disorder and often results in panic attack. One study indicates that anywhere from 2-5% of the general world population is affected by severe claustrophobia, but only a small percentage of these people receive some kind of treatment for the disorder.[1]

pretend your garden grows and that it's your day to wed.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:18:08 GMT

i'm going to attempt to quit smoking.......

forget everything you think you know about me.

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:55:58 GMT

i wonder why my family shows no emotion when i come home. anything would be better than nothing.

last night i fell asleep next to a liar and i woke up with a shiner.

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:41:58 GMT

in continuation to my last entry...

politics are driving me up a wall, and i just want to know everything i can.

they're scared that we know.

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:05:59 GMT

politics.